I think there will be less updates from me from now on. There's just not much going on at the moment, and not much to look forward to next year. And this year has been hell for my mental health. I must be stronger than I thought if I haven't had some kind of breakdown yet. I don't think I've known real fear, anxiety and depression until 2023; at least, I've never been trapped in my own messed up, obsessive head like this, for this long. It's so scary how my own mind can be my worst enemy. Like replacing one type of fear for another, in a cycle, a spiral, as it were.
So less time down the rabbit hole that is social media, and the world at large (meaning politics), has been good for me. I've found that I am easily influenced and susceptible to things I read, watch, hear, and possibly process. Is this due to me getting older? Is this true adulthood? Worrying constantly, paranoia and multiple crises? And loneliness? I just need to clear my head, and be more grounded in reality. I find I can be happy and relaxed sometimes, when I am with people and loved ones. They help.
What doesn't help is that I have few reasons to be happy right now. I've failed at important things I've tried, for years in fact. I've found I am lacking, and never good enough for anything. I'm stuck, and empty. But I won't give up. After a break, I won't give up on my adulthood (and independence and freedom) goals.
In current pop culture news, at the cinemas I have seen and liked Ruby Gillman, Teenage Kraken and Barbie (I'm getting the DVDs!). I have been resubscribed to Netflix for a couple of months before cancelling again, and throughout everything, the main highlights during that period have been Nimona, Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio, True Spirit, Love and Monsters, and in terms of TV series' I hadn't seen before, there's Twelve Forever and Scaredy Cats. Sadly I didn't end up loving Wednesday (I hate love triangles and toxic boy drama), and I couldn't finish The Worst Witch and Supernatural Academy. I rewatched She-Ra and the Princesses of Power, Hilda, Arcane, Dead End, and The Cuphead Show!. Next year I'll go back to Disney+ for a short time, too.
I've decided to take a break from reading, or more specifically, rereading, as there are no new novels I am interested in in the slightest at the moment. I have been disappointed too many times. Do I even enjoy reading anymore? I like to think I do. If they're good and engaging, they keep my mind from wandering to bad places. There are eight novels left that I plan on rereading this year.
I've given up on and given away so much.
Finally, since it is Halloween, and I still like to get into the spirit of these things, I may watch some horror and horror-themed films, if my mental state can handle them. I hope I can go to a Halloween party, or go out with friends on a trip, if my work in retail allows me (at this time of year, though...). Some escapism isn't so bad.
I'll try to take care of myself. Self-care, and I'll hopefully get past this. I'll remember to be real, be grounded, be relaxed (even laugh at it), and that it's all in my head. Sleep more. If it gets worse I'll have to go back to therapy.
You all take care as well. Remember you are loved.
Love and peace to everybody ☾🌑🌒🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘🌛🌜🌝🌙🥮☾⚸
