Book Review - 'Goldie Vance: The Hotel Whodunit' by Lilliam Rivera

2023 EDIT: I don't like the first 'Goldie Vance' comic volume anymore, so ignore when I praise it to high heavens here.

Back to the review:





I'd wanted to get into 'Goldie Vance' again, which is why I bought this novel version of an adventure (and I use that word extremely loosely) of hers. Sadly, I think that the first volume of the comic series is the only 'Goldie Vance' product that I can say I enjoyed greatly, because 'Goldie Vance: The Hotel Whodunit' turned out to be another disappointment (I wasn't hot on the second comic volume either).

First, I want to mention how utterly annoying and obnoxious Goldie Vance is in this book. Maybe the girl detective's thoughtlessness, total disregard for authority and responsibility, and borderline criminal acts translate better in a colourful and cartoony comic art form. But in how she is written here in prose, she is insufferable. It's not merely that she's an interminably nosy wannabe hotel sleuth, or a brownnoser. It's that she has as much tact, discreetness and stealth as a rhinoceros set loose in Buckingham Palace. Subtlety, quiet observation, secret-keeping, and modesty - vital components for a detective - are not Goldie's forte. She's like a spoiled, grabby little child in how she handles important things, like cars that belong to hotel guests (stealing cars is practically a hobby of hers!*), jewels, and other valuables. She has no business being involved in these matters to begin with. She's like the worst YA heroine, selfish and only exacerbating trouble, sometimes even starting it in the first place (but at least she's not obsessed with a hot guy).

She. Never. Shuts. Up. Too many times throughout reading I thought, "Oh lords, ladies and goddesses, please shut up already," at her. She's not helpful in any situation!

Goldie is almost a Mary Sue here. As well as being rich with no real problems**, she conveniently makes even very famous people like her and trust her immediately, enough to be friends in ten seconds. In fact, almost everybody loves her, and not enough people tell her to shut up or get lost, not even the movie industry people.

This is an actual line in the book: 'Distracted? Boy, is Mr. Maple wrong about me. I'm enthusiastic, aware, alert, smart, organized, and outgoing.' - page 87

Hint to authors: Show, don't tell. You're writing a story, not a noun grocery list. If at any time you feel you have to write down a character's supposed personality traits in your book that should have stayed in the character's profile sheet, made before the first draft writing process, then something needs to be corrected.

Moving on now to the mystery plot, such as it is. It revolves around a movie being set in Goldie's workplace and in her home, both in Florida - the Crossed Palms Resort Hotel, and the Mermaid Club, respectively. Basically, a theft will occur. Very late in the "plot".

But what I want to bring attention to, before anything else, is how unclear the book is at the beginning when it comes to what kind of film is being made. I mean, the hotel guests in sea monster costumes are introduced in literally the first lines in the first chapter, but with all the fuss and hustle and bustle and jewelled props and security being deployed, it seems like a big budget, Hollywood Oscar bait feature film. Or at least, it's something that's high profile, starring a world famous Hollywood actress, singer and dancer. But later on, it's revealed that it's actually a monster flick; a genre flick, made for fun and not typically requiring a budget that would bring in Hollywood royalty, extravagant sets and precious jewels (that, surprise, are stolen). It becomes a plot point that the famous actress (whom Goldie befriends long before the actual mystery starts) who stars as the leading lady, is considered by a few of her peers to be working far beneath her. That this isn't a "real film", by the actress's professional standards. But I'd thought that it was a real, important big budget film up until then. It was made to appear that way! Or is the criticism just snobbery, because the film is about mermaids and other sea creatures? I doubt it. It's inconsistent writing.

Other writing problems: So, when does the plot start? When does the mystery occur? When does anything significant actually happen?

At about page 145! Which is nearly 100 pages from the end! How do you get away with that? There's so much dithering around and padding in the beginning and middle. No wonder I got bored (as well as annoyed by Goldie) quickly.

Another thing that's stupid: The Crossed Palms Resort Hotel, which is gobsmackingly famous and ritzy, has a beehive on its property. Hotel beekeeper is a job there. Why the ever-loving, flock-me-Amadeus-Smith would a resort hotel have beehives?! That sounds exceedingly hazardous to me! I know I wouldn't want to stay at a hotel where there are swarms of bees around, and I would be anxious and unable to tell the difference between the buzzing of a heater and the other kind! Hotel beekeepers can apparently casually walk around in the lobby, in their suits, no commotion to be expressed! What do the staff tell the guests who are allergic to bee stings? Not good for business! The beehives could be where the resort receives its honey (it's never stated), but it's wealthy enough that it could afford to have honey imported from another source somewhere else!

Diane, Goldie Vance's love interest in the comics and cool chick extraordinaire, is barely in the book. She is literally on the sidelines the entre time, existing only to be admired from a distance occasionally by Goldie, to fuel her ask-her-out-already character development, which is hardly touched on. Diane doesn't do anything! She doesn't even have any lines until the final three pages! She plays no practical role in the story whatsoever. She might as well not exist. For an LBGTQ rep and relationship to be pushed far into a corner like this, it is disgraceful.

Speaking of wasted characters from the comics, Goldie's nemesis, Sugar Maple, is only mentioned once; she isn't in the story proper. Where is she? Her father, Mr. Maple the Crossed Palms owner, is present and prominent in the story, so why isn't she? Will she show up in the sequel? Conflict comes from the characters created for this book. Terrific.

Goldie also ends up easily trusting a tabloid reporter and prime suspect, called Scoops Malone (yes, really), who's a shady bastard if there ever was one. He sings her praises and inflates her already vast ego. Why?

Plot twist involving character relations being kept secret pointlessly for the sake of the mystery to work is pointless.

More pointlessness: The two comic inclusions, which are eight pages each of the familiar comic art depicting what is happening in the middle and near the end of the book, are unnecessary. Prose should remain prose, otherwise it's gimmicky and tacky. The comic pages' function is to remind me that I could be reading the first volume of the graphic novel series instead of the tedious and dumb novel.

Final negative criticism: I saved the worst till last. On page 26, Walter Tooley, the hotel's detective and longsuffering pushover for Goldie, says to her, "Mr. Maple, our boss, [...]". That line goes beyond the classic writing mistake of characters telling other characters what they should already know. At that point, the reader knows who Mr. Maple is. He's been mentioned. And oh yeah, Goldie hasn't just worked at the hotel for a while and should therefore know her boss's name, she's known him since she was at least six-years-old . She was friends-to-enemies with his daughter! He was her dad's boss long before he was hers. It was at that moment in reading that I first fully realised 'Goldie Vance: The Hotel Whodunit' is an amateur novel, that should have gone through major proofreading before publication.

(Also, why were the actors staying at the resort always wearing their sea creature and mermaid costumes? Do they go out in public wearing them? Is there no costume and dress storage?)

A positive note I can give 'The Hotel Whodunit' is that it contains a character who is a high-power male movie executive, who is criticised for shouting a lot when things don't go his way, and is generally a corrupt, arrogant, chauvinistic jackass with more money than sense. He is castigated and mocked constantly. I'm sure this is meant to be a micro-representation of the #MeToo movement. It's watered down in order to fit in with children's lit sensibilities, but I appreciate the inclusion, nonetheless.

It's easy to picture the settings and the sights of Florida in the colourful and breezy descriptions. I like the mermaid and undersea aesthetic that comes with the Mermaid Club, and with the movie set. Introspective words of wisdom about Hollywood and what fame does to people are imparted a few times. Goldie's relationship with her mother, a mermaid actress, is nice, too - it's the only relationship in the whole book I genuinely believed in.

Overall, 'Goldie Vance: The Hotel Whodunit' is a boring, not-very-well-written and no-stakes book for me. It's a shame that I can't be excited about Goldie Vance's adventures anymore, or find her to be a worthy, competent teen girl sleuth. I'll stick to the first issues of the comics from now on.

Final Score: 2/5



*Technically, it's joyriding, what she does to guests' cars. It's not any better, nor does it negate the cars she steals in order to solve cases.

**No problems, despite her being a biracial lesbian in the 1960s. With divorced parents. In Florida. I suppose I could accept this nice escapism in the comics; not here, where the plot is so dumb and flat, as are the characters, that it makes it easier to nitpick.