2021 EDIT: Not as good as the first time I read it, but 'Misery' remains an enduring, chilling and twisted horror classic by Mr King. I'm mindful of the 1980s casual sexism and racism now (I especially don't like the rape analogy that Paul Sheldon makes at the beginning when Annie tries to breathe life into him; aside from everything else wrong with that comparison - as in, there is no comparison, so WTF? - it's written specifically as, '[he] smelled her on the outrush of the breath she had forced into him the way a man might force a part of himself into an unwilling woman, [...]' (page 5), as if men can't be raped). (And the N-word is casually used at least once, too). The book is also very long and wordy, but mostly interesting and creative. There are some parts that I think the film adaptation did better, and some parts not so much. Stephen King - still a good writer, but maybe not for me anymore. Or maybe I'm not in the best mood to read 'Misery'.
Final Score: 3.5/5
Original Review:
LONDON STREET. THREE AM. BEFORE THE ECLIPSE.
It is quiet after midnight. ARTEMIS CRESCENT, self-proclaimed Internet Witch and Fantasy Feminist, walks down the grimy, silver street, to the starlit, sleepy crack between our world and the dream world, the unconscious made conscious.
She travels to the realm of nightmares in order to collect data, to better define fear and the nightmare’s connection to the horrors thought up in the real world. For even the various fantasy realms she has visited over the years have no better link to the magnificent, the terrible, and the sickening macabre of nightmares than in the seemingly plain, ordinary earth.
Artemis has been here a scattering of times, both physically and in her walking dreams, always content, because no matter what images humans conjure up in their sleep, no matter how awful and depraved, she takes comfort in knowing they are not wholly real. Dreams can't kill you. They are intangible. Nothing supernatural. Nothing really there. She is confident that nothing in the realm of nightmares can affect her mental and emotional state.
She is wrong.
Oh, so wrong.
Artemis has read many horror stories. She even once escaped with a dragon egg in a fantasy world; one with giant killer bees. But she has yet to know what it truly means to be afraid.
It is on this visit to the nightmare realm that she encounters a plump, smiling, matronly lady in an apron. Holding a needle. And an axe.
A chainsaw and a riding lawnmower lie further up the dream mountains. Artemis knows that with a single thought ANNIE WILKES will summon them and, as is also common in nightmares, the woman who is meant to be a witch will be paralyzed, unable to move away.
Artemis breathes deeply, thinking screw it to the nightmare world not being able to hurt you. Like Paul Sheldon, she has to seriously consider her options. Plan how she will get out of this. To use her vivid imagination to her advantage.
All chipper, she meets one of Mr King's greatest creations, Annie Wilkes, eye-to-eye.
ARTEMIS: Oh, I suppose you want me to conjure a spell to send you into the real world.
ANNIE: The real world?
ARTEMIS: Or else you'll draw my blood and try to make the circle yourself, even though you have no-
ANNIE: I don't care for any of that! Fiction is where the passion lies. Where the truth is. Real life is horrible. Full of cockadoodie birdies! Too many people judge me.
ARTEMIS: Well, I think they have good reason to-
ANNIE: What?!
ARTEMIS: And you are a prominent figment here, in the plane of human nightmares. There is a reason why you are widely feared and considered to be one of the greatest literary villains of all time. No one’s out to get you, you scare them too much.
ANNIE: Hmm. Well I... do have quite a temper, I admit. And I suppose I am a little crazy-
ARTEMIS: A little? You're fucking insane.
ANNIE: Language! I hate it when people swear. Effing this and effing that! There's already enough of that in books, especially nowadays.
ARTEMIS: Well, you do swear a bit yourself, when you are really mad and drop the cockadoodie bollocks. (And how do you know there's a lot of swearing in modern lit when you're here? Though I guess you do mostly show up in the dreams of modern readers). But anyway, to get back on track, I did not mean fucking insane to be an insult to you, Annie.
ANNIE: But... but you-
ARTEMIS: Because it isn't. Here's the thing, you wouldn't want to hurt me at all. Because even though, like many others, I do fear you, I also deeply admire you. The way you love a literary heroine, Misery Chastain, who in truth is a poster-child nineteenth-century doormat, passive despite being the main character, always having to be rescued by two unrealistically handsome men-
ANNIE: AAAHHHH! YOU WILL NOT INSULT BEAUTIFUL, LIVING MISERY YOU BITC-
ARTEMIS: But you, Annie Wilkes, are a much better literary icon. (Her ego is the size of Hogwarts; you can fill it, Artemis – just don’t awaken Hurricane Annie). You are perhaps one of the best cases of fiction meeting reality I have come across in my study of humans fearing other humans for their limitless capacity to hurt. I possess magic, you have no supernatural abilities whatsoever - which is pretty remarkable for a Stephen King baddie - but I fear and respect you for how real you seem, how easy you are to picture in the heads of millions of readers. You are a person who can exist, and that's what makes you so scary, and what makes you work as a demented psychopath that people will never forget. Your sickness knows no bounds, and it is both uneasy and glorious.
ANNIE:...
ARTEMIS: (Let’s hope she’s still listening and not off in her own dream land) Now tell me, Annie, doesn't that sound a lot more interesting than being a character in the books you love to read? Hey, here's another reason to hold you in such high regard: you're a book lover. There's one thing we have in common at least.
ANNIE: Do... people really like me?
ARTEMIS: Yes, Dragon Lady. You are living, dreaming proof that you can like and yet fear someone shitless at the same time. Like the mountainous, African goddess Paul Sheldon hallucinates you as. You are complex, fascinating. Stage plays and a film have been made about you and your isolation, your imprisoning poor, scarred Paul-
ANNIE: Who I saved from a car crash in a cockadoodie blizzard, by the way.
ARTEMIS. Yes, yes of course. The way you treat the writer you love in your own sick, twisted way and whom you like to chop to pieces – horrific, unforgettable. Bravo. Kathy Bates even won an Oscar for playing you in the film version. So there’s nothing for you to be angry or depressed about.
ANNIE: Oh, oh my... Oh, oh no you don't. If you know so much about me, then you know that I may be crazypants, but I am not a fool. You are trying to stall me, you dirty-mouthed, intruding witch bitch. You are planning a spell right now.
ARTEMIS: Oh great Odin above, no. I wouldn't dream it. (Heh heh, I literally am dreaming, right here). But seriously, you could join Dolores Umbridge for a tea party. You'd get along like a house on fire. (Oops, gone too far there). Stand side by side with Voldemort too.
ANNIE: Humph. I hope they have better manners than you, missy.
ARTEMIS:... So...
ANNIE: Oh, all right, I know my bedside manner (Trust me on that). Looks like I won't have to make you do anything to keep yourself alive here after all, as long as you don't intrude on my lovely plane again.
ARTEMIS: YOUR plane? Oh shi-
ANNIE: Even with your potty-mouth and witchcraft-
ARTEMIS: You're the one with an axe, chainsaw and killer lawnmower...
ANNIE: You do appear to be someone who isn't a cockadoodie vermin of the world. And anyone who loves romance books can't be bad at all.
ARTEMIS: Uh, actually... (Steady, don't fuck it up now for Selene's sake!) I love all sorts of books and write quite a bit myself, but I don't really go for romance. (Can’t stop now. After all, I’m also a reviewer). Mills&Boon and the like generally-
ANNIE: WHAT!? ULTRA-COCKADOODIE!!! DIRTY FUCKING BIRDIE!!! YOU ARE A WRITER!!! WRITE A ROMANCE ABOUT MISERY FOR ME AND ONLY ME OR SO HELP ME-
At long last, Artemis Crescent is free of her nightmare fear long enough to Apparate out of the ghastly realm, before Annie Wilkes's axe finds her head.
END.
So concludes my tale, describing my experience of reading 'Misery', a claustrophobic, timeless masterpiece. A cold and solid story-within-a-story, set mainly in one place but never drags or gets boring. It is a writer's guide - reflecting truths in both technique and criticism, taken to horrific extremes. I love it like I do a blood red moon in a black, starry sky.
Stephen King's writing is at its strongest in this yarn, and I'll be reading more of him soon. He is inspirational...
Final Score: 5/5
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